"I don't like sitting alone..."

Said the man who went to the theater... ALONE!

I went to the movie theater today and watched Bridesmaids. For those of you who haven't seen it: it was alright. I'm not going to roll down my car window and tell every pedestrian on the street to go see it, nor am I going to stand on my balcony and shout of it's wonder to my neighbors. It was entertaining, but nothing spectacular. But that isn't what I'm here to talk/write about. I want to talk about people who go to movies alone.

I have absolutely nothing against them, because, duh, I'm one of them. I think it takes a little something extra to be alone at a movie theater, because you know some jackass is sitting there thinking, "Oh, poor thing. She's all alone. I bet she's lonely." Wrong. I don't have to be lonely to be alone; in fact, I enjoy going out to a movie by myself now and then. It's nice and relaxing, and there's never that moment of silence where you ask yourself, "Is this an awkward silence? Should I say something? Am I the only one feeling awkward?" It's just me and my own quirky thoughts, and I like it.

But, then you have the posers.

Anybody who goes to a movie alone, but does not like going alone should just not do it! Go with your friends or if you don't have any friends, wait for the movie to come out on DVD. How hard is that to comprehend?

As you've probably guessed by now, I met up with one of these posers today, and that's why I'm blogging.

So, I'm sitting there in the nearly-empty theater (alone) when this guy comes in, looks around and makes his way straight toward me. I start mentally chanting the mantra that every true lone-wolf-movie-goer  knows from the cradle. "Don't sit next to me. Don't sit next to me. Don't sit next to me." The mental chanting fails. The guys sits right next to me. Not one seat away. Not one seat behind. Right next to me. I turn my head and stare at him with that classic "you've got to be kidding me" look (that I reserve for only the most obnoxious people I know) until he turns and looks at me.
He smiles a cocky, I'm such an asshole smile and says, "I don't like sitting alone."
I reply: "Then why come to a movie theater alone in the first place?"
Asshole: "Because there is always somebody else sitting alone that I can sit with."
Me: "Well, you're not sitting with this alone somebody."
Asshole: Looking thoroughly dumbfounded. "Why not?"
Me: "Because I like being alone."
Asshole: "Come on. We make each other look good."
Me: "Oh, I'm sure you look tons better sitting next to me, but you know what people will think of when they look at me?"
Asshole: "What?"
Me: "That you're holding a gun on me." Asshole looks a little pissed and offended. "You can go sit somewhere else now."
Asshole: Getting up to leave. "You didn't have to be so rude."
Me: "If I had been nice, you wouldn't be leaving."

In hindsight, maybe that was a little harsh, and maybe I exaggerated a little about the gun, but whatever. Maybe next time he'll think twice about sitting next to a stranger. Hell, maybe I saved his life. He might have sat down next to a psychopathic serial killer one day. I should get a commendation; if not for saving his life, then for saving lone-wolf-movie-goers from having to endure his presence in the future.