Coulrophobia ~ Fear of Clowns

I'm gonna come right out and say it. I'm afraid of clowns. I'm not ashamed of it. They freakin' terrify me. And with Halloween right around the corner, my oh-so wonderful friends have decided to fill my Facebook, email, and phone with images, videos, and stories of these hideous, malicious, put on this earth of the sole reason of tormenting me, bozo fiends. (That could be partially my fault seeing as I seem to have surrounded myself with D-bags over the years and it's too late to shake them loose now.) I can deal with the flood of clown-related trash they continue to send my way, because I am not an ignorant child. I know a clown cannot reach through my computer screen and eat my face off, nor can my cell phone suddenly sprout clown-sized shoes, throw on a red wig and squishy red nose and chase me around my apartment. (Although, now that I have the image in my brain, I'll have to remember to leave a light on when I go to sleep tonight.)

Let me tell you my secret about clown pictures/videos/stories/texts. The minute a story/text so much as hints at the word "clown," I delete it and walk away. Simple, no? When my friends send me a link to a picture, I automatically go on alert. When I open the link. I look beyond the screen of my computer and if I see a red blob - Goodbye, Picture. Videos, on the other hand, have become increasingly hard to screen, because of that sudden, in-between-scenes surprise clown that just pops out from behind the veil of the Land of Creep. For these videos, I rely on the (near) infallible technology of CensorCat. That's right, folks! I subject my feline friend, Gregor, to the demented minds of my human friends. This cat watches the video and if anything surprising happens, he jumps a good three feet in the air, takes off running, and I don't watch it. (Sure, it may not always be a clown that scares him, but I'd rather not take the chance."

Now that we've discussed digital and fictitious clowns, let's move on to what you should do if you see one in real life. I stated earlier that clowns terrify me; this, however, does not mean they petrify me. That, they cannot do. I do not react to my terror like an idiot. I don't freeze and pray a clown is like a T-Rex (unable to see you unless you move - thank you Jurassic Park.) I do not faint or assume the fetal position, nor do I stand there screaming like an eleven-year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert. (A short surprised scream is acceptable, but  the non-stop screaming will get you nowhere. It does not frighten/annoy the clown into leaving you alone and, unless we're in some weird movie, the clown's head will not explode if you hit the correct pitch - although that would be awesome.) When faced with a clown in real life, one must proceed with logic. You have two options. One: RUN!! This is a simple, yet highly effective strategy. "Why is it so effective?" you may wonder. The answer is as simple as he strategy itself. Clown shoes. They are nearly impossible to run in because, the average clown foot is maybe half the size of the shoe he/she wears, leaving a whole mess of shoe left to get in his/her way when trying to chase down a quick human snack. (Tripping the clown is also a viable option in this case.) Two: React with a well-place kick to the clown's nether regions. If you come across a male clown, you can cripple him quite easily, but a female clown may require a little extra work, but I promise you that a kick to the vagina can be equally devastating. Remember, you are not limited to the use of your feet. Fists work just as well and may, in fact, work better for small children and short people. (When I was five or six, I took down and clown with a sharp jab to the gonads.) However, never aim your punches at a clown's nose. It's like flipping the NOS switch in a car; it gives them extra creepy powers. Not to mention, it's squishy and won't have any real effect because, it's basically a nose pad.

A Final Tip for Having a Clownless Halloween:
Just about every seasonal haunted house has some Stephen King or Zombieland clown with a chainsaw or an axe.  Do yourself a favor and stay away from these places. Stay home on Halloween and pass out candy. This way you can see the clowns coming, you have the home field advantage, and your clown-fighting arsenal is at hand. This is the smart thing to do. If you do decide to visit one of these haunted houses and end up facing an evil, sharp-toothed, crazy-eyed, child-eating clown - be prepared and don't say I didn't warn you.

"I don't like sitting alone..."

Said the man who went to the theater... ALONE!

I went to the movie theater today and watched Bridesmaids. For those of you who haven't seen it: it was alright. I'm not going to roll down my car window and tell every pedestrian on the street to go see it, nor am I going to stand on my balcony and shout of it's wonder to my neighbors. It was entertaining, but nothing spectacular. But that isn't what I'm here to talk/write about. I want to talk about people who go to movies alone.

I have absolutely nothing against them, because, duh, I'm one of them. I think it takes a little something extra to be alone at a movie theater, because you know some jackass is sitting there thinking, "Oh, poor thing. She's all alone. I bet she's lonely." Wrong. I don't have to be lonely to be alone; in fact, I enjoy going out to a movie by myself now and then. It's nice and relaxing, and there's never that moment of silence where you ask yourself, "Is this an awkward silence? Should I say something? Am I the only one feeling awkward?" It's just me and my own quirky thoughts, and I like it.

But, then you have the posers.

Anybody who goes to a movie alone, but does not like going alone should just not do it! Go with your friends or if you don't have any friends, wait for the movie to come out on DVD. How hard is that to comprehend?

As you've probably guessed by now, I met up with one of these posers today, and that's why I'm blogging.

So, I'm sitting there in the nearly-empty theater (alone) when this guy comes in, looks around and makes his way straight toward me. I start mentally chanting the mantra that every true lone-wolf-movie-goer  knows from the cradle. "Don't sit next to me. Don't sit next to me. Don't sit next to me." The mental chanting fails. The guys sits right next to me. Not one seat away. Not one seat behind. Right next to me. I turn my head and stare at him with that classic "you've got to be kidding me" look (that I reserve for only the most obnoxious people I know) until he turns and looks at me.
He smiles a cocky, I'm such an asshole smile and says, "I don't like sitting alone."
I reply: "Then why come to a movie theater alone in the first place?"
Asshole: "Because there is always somebody else sitting alone that I can sit with."
Me: "Well, you're not sitting with this alone somebody."
Asshole: Looking thoroughly dumbfounded. "Why not?"
Me: "Because I like being alone."
Asshole: "Come on. We make each other look good."
Me: "Oh, I'm sure you look tons better sitting next to me, but you know what people will think of when they look at me?"
Asshole: "What?"
Me: "That you're holding a gun on me." Asshole looks a little pissed and offended. "You can go sit somewhere else now."
Asshole: Getting up to leave. "You didn't have to be so rude."
Me: "If I had been nice, you wouldn't be leaving."

In hindsight, maybe that was a little harsh, and maybe I exaggerated a little about the gun, but whatever. Maybe next time he'll think twice about sitting next to a stranger. Hell, maybe I saved his life. He might have sat down next to a psychopathic serial killer one day. I should get a commendation; if not for saving his life, then for saving lone-wolf-movie-goers from having to endure his presence in the future.

Public Transportation

I've said before and I'll say it again. I hate riding the bus. It doesn't matter which bus it is; I hate them all. The bright yellow school bus, the ugly white ones we borrowed from the Navy for NJROTC trips, Grey Hounds, Community Transit, King County Metro, those ridiculous tourist "Motor Coaches" I had to ride all over Europe. They all suck. People are always pointing out all the great things about public transportation and telling me, "The pros far outweigh the cons." Well, guess what, folks? I made my own pro/con list, and here it is:

Pros:

• It's cheaper than paying for gas.
• Saves wear & tear on your car.
• It's a little better for the environment.
• Traffic isn't nearly as bad when you take the bus.
• You can read a book/ finish up homework.

Cons:

• It takes 30 minutes longer (than if I drove my car) to get to the college.
• I lose 30 minutes of sleep every morning I take the bus.
• It's the Pacific Northwest, so it can get damn cold waiting for your bus to show up.
• Germaphobes beware! People sneeze on you.
• There is no such thing as "a personal bubble."
• If you're like me and hate turning your back to somebody, might as well get over it and embrace the anxiety of wondering if somebody is going to knife you.
• People stare at you like you stole their seat.
• People are rude. If you have a window seat and somebody you don't know sits next to you, don't expect them to be super friendly and move when you're stop comes up.
• Still on the rude people con: People don't give up their seats for the elderly anymore.
• Some people don't understand the concept of showering.
• And, most importantly: Some passengers are just BAT-SHIT CRAZY!!

So, obviously the pros do not outweigh the cons, at least not that I've seen.