Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Coulrophobia ~ Fear of Clowns

I'm gonna come right out and say it. I'm afraid of clowns. I'm not ashamed of it. They freakin' terrify me. And with Halloween right around the corner, my oh-so wonderful friends have decided to fill my Facebook, email, and phone with images, videos, and stories of these hideous, malicious, put on this earth of the sole reason of tormenting me, bozo fiends. (That could be partially my fault seeing as I seem to have surrounded myself with D-bags over the years and it's too late to shake them loose now.) I can deal with the flood of clown-related trash they continue to send my way, because I am not an ignorant child. I know a clown cannot reach through my computer screen and eat my face off, nor can my cell phone suddenly sprout clown-sized shoes, throw on a red wig and squishy red nose and chase me around my apartment. (Although, now that I have the image in my brain, I'll have to remember to leave a light on when I go to sleep tonight.)

Let me tell you my secret about clown pictures/videos/stories/texts. The minute a story/text so much as hints at the word "clown," I delete it and walk away. Simple, no? When my friends send me a link to a picture, I automatically go on alert. When I open the link. I look beyond the screen of my computer and if I see a red blob - Goodbye, Picture. Videos, on the other hand, have become increasingly hard to screen, because of that sudden, in-between-scenes surprise clown that just pops out from behind the veil of the Land of Creep. For these videos, I rely on the (near) infallible technology of CensorCat. That's right, folks! I subject my feline friend, Gregor, to the demented minds of my human friends. This cat watches the video and if anything surprising happens, he jumps a good three feet in the air, takes off running, and I don't watch it. (Sure, it may not always be a clown that scares him, but I'd rather not take the chance."

Now that we've discussed digital and fictitious clowns, let's move on to what you should do if you see one in real life. I stated earlier that clowns terrify me; this, however, does not mean they petrify me. That, they cannot do. I do not react to my terror like an idiot. I don't freeze and pray a clown is like a T-Rex (unable to see you unless you move - thank you Jurassic Park.) I do not faint or assume the fetal position, nor do I stand there screaming like an eleven-year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert. (A short surprised scream is acceptable, but  the non-stop screaming will get you nowhere. It does not frighten/annoy the clown into leaving you alone and, unless we're in some weird movie, the clown's head will not explode if you hit the correct pitch - although that would be awesome.) When faced with a clown in real life, one must proceed with logic. You have two options. One: RUN!! This is a simple, yet highly effective strategy. "Why is it so effective?" you may wonder. The answer is as simple as he strategy itself. Clown shoes. They are nearly impossible to run in because, the average clown foot is maybe half the size of the shoe he/she wears, leaving a whole mess of shoe left to get in his/her way when trying to chase down a quick human snack. (Tripping the clown is also a viable option in this case.) Two: React with a well-place kick to the clown's nether regions. If you come across a male clown, you can cripple him quite easily, but a female clown may require a little extra work, but I promise you that a kick to the vagina can be equally devastating. Remember, you are not limited to the use of your feet. Fists work just as well and may, in fact, work better for small children and short people. (When I was five or six, I took down and clown with a sharp jab to the gonads.) However, never aim your punches at a clown's nose. It's like flipping the NOS switch in a car; it gives them extra creepy powers. Not to mention, it's squishy and won't have any real effect because, it's basically a nose pad.

A Final Tip for Having a Clownless Halloween:
Just about every seasonal haunted house has some Stephen King or Zombieland clown with a chainsaw or an axe.  Do yourself a favor and stay away from these places. Stay home on Halloween and pass out candy. This way you can see the clowns coming, you have the home field advantage, and your clown-fighting arsenal is at hand. This is the smart thing to do. If you do decide to visit one of these haunted houses and end up facing an evil, sharp-toothed, crazy-eyed, child-eating clown - be prepared and don't say I didn't warn you.